Alternate Text of the Federal Marriage Amendment

President Bush has gone on record favoring a "Federal Marriage Amendment," an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to establish forever that a marriage is between one man and one woman, no dykes or fags allowed — unless, of course, you're a total closet case who ruins the life of some innocent young heterosexual, because they're OK as long as they still vote Republican. [For a plain English summary, click here.]

Federal Marriage Amendment

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure [actually, that should be ensure] domestic transcendence tranquility, provide for the common defense secretary, promote the general welfare state, and secure the blessings of bigotry liberty to ourselves and our posteriors posterity, do ordain and establish this Twenty-Eighth Article of Amendment to the Constitution of the United States,

Section 1. Section 1 of the Fourteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States except fags and dykes; nor shall any state deprive any person except fags and dykes of life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction except fags, dykes, and "terror suspects" the equal protection of the laws.

Section 2. Article I, Section 8, of the United States Constitution is amended to read:

Section 8. The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect cut taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the incur debts and provide for the common defense contractor and general corporate welfare of the United States; but all duties, imposts, drug laws and excises shall be uniform throughout the United States;

To borrow money on the credit crapshoot of the United States;

To regulate deregulate commerce with foreign nations all them damned fur'ners, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes;

To promote stifle the progress of science and useful arts;

To constitute tribunals inferior to the Supreme Court;

To define and punish piracies and felonies committed on the high seas anywhere we damned well please, and offenses against the law of nations;

To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water;

To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer shorter term than two years;

et cetera, et cetera

To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution enemies of the Ruling Elite the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof.

Section 3. The second paragraph of Article I, Section 9, of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion or really scary Fatherland Motherland Homeland Security video press releases the public safety political convenience may require it.

Section 4. Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution of the United States is modified as follows:

The President shall ... have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, except in cases of impeachment.

He shall ... nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint all kinds of people: but the Congress may by law vest the appointment of such inferior officers, as they think proper, pretty much anybody in the President alone, in the courts of law, or in the heads of departments, or in the deputy chief of staff in charge of policy.

Section 5. Article II, Section 2, is amended to include all powers removed by Section 2 of this amendment from Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution of the United States. [Basically, the President has all the power that the President says the President has. That's so that he can more efficiently check-and-balance himself, instead of needing two other branches of government to do it. Tax cut! I mean, Who wants ice cream!?]

Section 6. Article II, Section 4, of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:

The President, Vice President and all civil officers of the United States, shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery, tawdry sex scandal or other high crimes and misdemeanors unless they're politically expedient treasons, bribes, high crimes, or misdemeanors.

Section 7. Article III of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:

Section 1. The judicial power of the United States, shall be vested in one Supreme Court, and in such inferior courts as the Congress deputy chief of staff may from time to time ordain and establish. The judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behaviour... at the pleasure of the President.

Section 2. The judicial power shall extend to all cases blahblahblah that are not politically inconvenient.

Section 3. Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort getting caught. No person shall be convicted of treason unless on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act, or on confession in open court with or without torture.

Section 8. The final paragraph of Article VI of the Constitution of the United States is amended to read:

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the members of the several state legislatures, and all executive and judicial officers, both of the United States and of the several states, shall be bound by oath or affirmation, to support this Constitution the President's agenda; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

Section 9. The President and the principal officers of the executive departments shall have the authority to enact such regulations as are necessary to effect the provisions of this amendment, with or without the "advice and consent" of anybody.

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[Forget Alberto Gonzales! How about John Bolton for Supreme Court? If anybody challenges him, we'll say it's because they're prejudiced against people with ugly mustaches. Or hell, just put Karl Rove right in as Chief Justice. Nope, definitely the time that one party controls the Presidency, the House, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the military, and the media, that's absolutely the right time to remove protections for the rights of minorities — especially by Constitutional amendment.]